A counselor I know describes being in a relationship as being like the moment when a trapeze artist lets go of the first bar but hasn’t yet caught the second bar; that millisecond when she’s suspended in mid-air. I like this analogy. For me, being in a relationship is scary, and I resonate with the image of a trapeze. My heart has already decided to let go, but there’s no stability or security there, so I'm figuratively hanging out in mid-air.
Breaking up sucks, as anyone who has ever had to do it knows. The first time my heart was broken, I later said that God had to shatter my heart with a wrecking ball so He could build it back the way it was supposed to be. I still agree with that; I think there was a lot of work that God needed to do on my heart then, and He used that experience to shape me into something more beautiful than I was before. But I’m still a mess. And I haven’t yet figured out what God is doing this time around.
It’s been a little different this time. The first thought I had after hanging up the phone that night was relief. I was crying, yet relieved. It put an end to the incessant questions I had and all the confusion I was dealing with, and all the dozens of tiny and not-so-tiny slights and hurts that I had experienced over the last three months. Despite those things, I still couldn’t bring myself to let go. It turns out that I’m even more stubborn than I realized, which is a scary thought.
In the days following I could feel sad, angry, happy, relieved, guilty, indifferent, lonely, foolish, hopeful, confused, peaceful, and free, all in the space of an hour. Thankfully, the negative emotions are rapidly dissipating. But even so, having him in my life became normal, and now I have to change what normal looks like. I don’t know how to do that.
But I do know that God is good. I know that I am loved beyond my wildest imagination. I know that I am relentlessly pursued by the Creator of the universe. I know that in Christ I have been given all things. I know that God is sovereign, that not a hair can fall from my head apart from the will of my Father. I know that God binds up the brokenhearted, that He comforts me, that He hides me in the shadow of His wing. I know that I am blessed beyond anything I could hope to deserve, and I am grateful for every single person in my life that serves as a tangible reminder of those blessings.
I know that one day all the wounds will be healed.
And that’s all I need to know.